A Wedding and a Funeral…

Don’t stop believin’

“ It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank, half pack of cigarettes, it’s dark out, and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it.”

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been away for a little while (well, from posting here at least).  Life happened and I just couldn’t put my thoughts in to words.  It’s like that, sometimes life gets in the way of my writing and when I do want to write I just can’t seem to find the energy to write anything.  You see grief has taken over and it’s been so very hard.

Back in May I got married to my very best friend.  It was the most amazing day, just us, two witnesses, and the Pastor in our back garden.  It was simply perfect; I even wore my pink wellies too- hahaha!    A week later my world changed forever.  I woke up to the news that my younger and only brother had passed away.  I am totally devastated and I struggle with the fact that I am never going to see or speak to him again.

Why am I writing about this?  Because I can, because I want to, its healing for me and it’s also part of my self-care.  Talking about our grief is important, we should not hide in times of sadness and grief, but we should be allowed to grieve in whatever way we feel we need to.

My brother was a huge character and a very important part of my life.  He had many challenges, but he was a good, loving and caring human that lived life to the full.  He was often misunderstood, but always loved by his family and great friends.  I will never forget the last conversation I had with him, he was telling me how much he loved me and how he had so many things planned and was looking forward to life.   I can still hear his voice now.

You can imagine the huge void he has left.  Losing a sibling is not something I ever imagined.  Life has not been the same since that day.  The world for me is forever a different place.

Grief is a journey that we find ourselves on unexpectedly.  I have lost and grieved many things in my life, but this has been the most difficult. I am still processing my grief and each day I learn something new about the journey and myself.  As a CRISIS responder for many years, I have had to meet people in their darkest times.  I never had the words for them, nor did I try to find words, because there are no words….

No words can ever change what you felt when you heard the news, nothing anyone can say can make it easier.  But…. you know what helps?  Just being there, saying nothing, just being THERE.  

It’s been three months since I heard the news, my heart is forever broken.  During this time, I attempted to paint a picture of my brother, it’s not a perfect resemblance but it helped my moments of deep grief, it helped me focus and keep going.  When you are grieving don’t ever apologise, you be you, feel what you need to feel, just ride the tide and know that you are not alone.  

Thank you to everyone that has loved and supported our family.